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Wednesday, March 24, 2010

When LeAnn Met Mr. Holmes



I have two words for this past week - OY VEY!!!

I've been washing, ironing, pressing, painting and upholstering everything that doesn't move out of my way - such a glamorous life I lead, I know!  Da Hubbs and I leave today for the spring Antiques Week in Round Top, Texas.  I'm not ready - not gonna be ready - never ready -  I've been contemplating faking some sort of psychosomatic episode - one of those curl up in bed and suck my thumb and rub my blanky against my cheek, kinda deals.  But, alas - the junkers and antique-ers call, so I must press forward . . . .  Get it, "press" - I slay me!

So, instead of continuing the "Yikes -I'm-freakin'-out-cuz-I'm-a-chronic-procrastinator-dance," I have a story . . . .

Ready?

Last week I made a new friend.  I elected to change her name in this story for various reasons.  This is mainly out of respect for the fact that most people don't make new acquaintances in order to appear later in a blog post.  I've made only one exception to this self-imposed policy of anonymity.  Mr. Holmes really is named Mr. Holmes.  I wanted to use his real name because it is integral to the story.

This friendship was formed during . . . . Wait for it . . . . . . BINGO NIGHT!!! . . .  I new it was only a matter of time before I was wheeled down to the senior center to play "the bingo", but I suspected I had a few more years before this happened.  I've decided to call my new friend Jo Betsy Greenberg - she's one of those lilting southern ladies - only with quite a colorful vocabulary and a really quirky sense of humor.

Any-who, we arrived at BINGO NIGHT and were being taken around to meet the other folks at the party.  Within a matter of seconds, she was there - her hand held out and ready to shake.  She introduced herself as Jo Betsy Greenberg and then said, "My husband's the Jew - I just converted for the jokes." 

You love her yet, or what?  Wait, it gets better . . .

She, motions toward the sofa where her little yip-yip dog is perched and says, "That little horn-bone over there is Mr. Holmes."  I didn't get it until later, when it hit me that she was referring to John Holmes, the 1970s porn star.  It hit because Mr. Holmes proceeded to sexually assault my left leg for the next 30 minutes.  Finally, Jo Betsy said, "Just fake an orgasm and he'll quit."  So, I did - all Meg Ryan-like from When Harry Met Sally fame and he stopped and went over to his little dog bed and shot me "call me later" glances, punctuated occasionally by little squeaking noises that sounded like air being released from a balloon little by little, to which Jo Betsy would say, "Poor Mr. Holmes - he's got "the gas."  By the end of the evening, the air in her apartment was visible and smelled of rotten eggs, dead body and a tinge of Ben-Gay, which dilated ye old olfactory nerve, making the stench summon tears and my gag reflex repeatedly!

Okay, so that was gross, but I had to share and continue my lot in life as the "Too Much Information Giver." 

So, now I must be off to Round Top for the next 8 days to sell some vintage goodies - so wish me luck!  Keep checking in though, cuz I'll occasionally post updates, pics and more stories.  And unlike Vegas - What happens in Round Top does not necessarily stay in Round Top!

If you are planning on attending Antiques Week this spring, I would love it if you would come by and see me at my spaces at Vickie Davis' wonderful venue, The Texas Rose Antiques Show, located across from Marburger Farms, 2075 South State Highway 237.  You can find directions here.  The show begins Saturday, March 27th, and runs through Saturday, April 3, 2010.

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6 comments:

Nana Moon said...

too funny! I think I will start calling my little chihuahua Mr. Holmes. Stuffed animals are not safe at my house when he is around, has yet to tackle legs (Thank God!)

AuroraSuzette said...

Grrreat story! Wish I could see you, meet you in Texas! Have a marvelous time.

Paris Hotel Boutique said...

Coming to meet you at the Texas Rose Show! My first trip to Round Top. Will be there the 27-30! Can't wait!

Tamstyles said...

just stopping in to say hello...had seen ya much around the blog world since I got the email to vote for you.

take care.

gretchen said...

oh, my... makes me think i need to find a place to go play 'the bingo'

great story and i so wish i was heading to Round Top.

Pinecone Camp said...

You really did paint a graphic picture! Too funny. Dogs are sweet, but quite gross all at the same time.
Hope you had a successful show!