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Thursday, January 6, 2011

Narrow Waist Seeks Broad Mind

At the moment, I'm doing what I normally do every January . . . . that being, looking at the pattern of my life and deciding that I don't like it and working on a plan to change it. 

So here's what I've been thinkin' . . . . In June of 2011, I will celebrate my forty-sixth birthday.  The thought of being a middle-aged person has never appealed to me.  It doesn't seem like a job I'd apply for.  I always imagine a personal ad that reads something like this:

Narrow Waist Seeks Broad Mind
  
Narrow waist seeks opportunity to change places with a broad mind.  Warning:  When waist trades places with mind everything on your body will hurt, and what doesn't hurt won't work any longer.  Also, your body might develop some food allergies, and every time you eat, it will break out into fat.  This will cause self-loathing through most of your 40s and 50s, and a few years afterward, and intermittently for the next twenty-five years or so. 
Requirements:
Applicant must have degree from the School of Creative Mathematics so that you honestly do not know how old you are.  Also, when calculating your age in dog years, you must be dead. 
Pay: 
No pay.  Possible opportunities for "pay back," "paying it forward," and "paying very little attention" but, no actual compensation. 
Education: 
Nursery school or equivalent. 
Benefits: 
You won't have to drink alcohol anymore - you can get the same effect by just standing up fast.  Also, you get to boast that you're not forty-five years old, but eighteen with twenty-seven years experience.

To get a jump start on the New Year, my therapist has suggested a daily regimen of finishing what I have started, and I have stead-fastly stuck to it, too!  Here's proof... so far today, I have finished a 6-pack of Diet Dr. Peppers and a Haagen-Dazs Dove Bar and I feel pretty accomplished.  Next she suggested a "do-not-do-that" list.  First on the list is making statements like "Jeez I'm getting such a muffin top!" or "Would you look at my ka-donkey-donk butt?!" -Inevitablly I get a response like "You look great," which is a lie but said out of kindness and love and is code for "I noticed that you've put on a little weight, but if you think you're going to get me to agree with you, you're nuts." 

In a nutshell, my New Year's Resolution plan includes these rules of thumb:

•  Change my exercise routine.  Instead of running my mouth, pushing my luck and jumping to conclusions, do an occasional sit-up or take a jog.

•  Avoid contact with things that raise my blood pressure.  Including, but not limited to, things that possess tetanus, tires, or testicles.

•  Stop eating food and switch to bark so that I can look better naked.

and finally . . . .

•  Die young as late as possible.

Happy New year everyone . . . see you tomorrow!

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5 comments:

Annie said...

OK, you've got me smiling. Happy New Year to you and to your very interesting family.

P.S. I don't have a therapist but my drugs help, as I forget to be depressed or that I have anxiety...of course I am glad that I don't have to do any math these days.

Relyn said...

You are completely cracking me up. I have no idea how I found my way here, but I am so glad that I did. Happy new year.

Olivia said...

You're tooooo funny. Wishing you the best.

Tamara Jansen said...

Happy New Year! You are too, too funny!

Katie said...

Hysterical post!